I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
