Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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