Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
