the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
