I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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