In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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