when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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