Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
