You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
