dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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