I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
