She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
