It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
