It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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