No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
