i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
