Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
how can u be prego again
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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