Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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