I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
this just has baby written all over it
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
