This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
