i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize