i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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