I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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