My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Randomize
