I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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