The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
