Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize