Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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