My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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