I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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