she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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