2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
