The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
