he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
