So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Houston, we have a blender
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
