The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
