Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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