It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm getting married
To pizza
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Randomize
