I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
