There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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