i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize