Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
