mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
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