you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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