My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
