She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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