my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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