She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Vodka?
Forever.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
