I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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