Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
