First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
