he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
