Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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