I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
