The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
