when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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