Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
