OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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